Fat girl problems.

I've been having a rough day.

I woke up with horrific menstrual cramps this morning.  You know, the ones that are so bad that you can't sleep.  I actually remember reaching and taking pills while I was half asleep because the pain was just so unbearable.

Next, I went to the eye Dr.  Turns out that I have an astigmatism.  Never knew.  I do need glasses.  I almost left Cambridge Eye in tears because there were no glasses that flattered a fucking fat double chinned face like mine.  All the glasses are trendy and slim, and made me look like a fat fucking asshole.  

I bought a whole bunch of candy...AT FAMILY DOLLAR.  I've damn near ate all of it too.

I think the reason I have been searching FaceBook and the net for fat girl support/fat girl groups/fat girls in Boston etc etc is obviously because I am depressed and looking for camaraderie.  Honestly, at this point I know I have really brutal PMS.  It hits me hard.  For the better part of the month, I can hide my self-wallowing pretty darn well.  It's when I get devastatingly low that I realize my period is coming or I understand why I am so blue.

Oh yeah, so the point of this new entry (Yes!  It was less than 5 years!).  I just read this article about fat girl sex.  It was intriguing.  

I haven't really said too much about my personal love life, but fuck it, I am jumping right it.  

I am in deeply in love with my pal...let's call him Eric.  Supposedly, he is my best friend.  We worked together for about a year and a half.  We don't really see each other or even talk on the phone.  We e-mail at work occasionally and pretty much text each other all day.  Modern day friendships, right?  

For the longest time, we were both in the habit of overindulging in alcohol (beer for him, sangria or whatever I could get my hands on for me) and then texting how much we loved each other.  Then one would call the other and be belligerent and annoying, which would cause a fight.  This went on for months.

We finally did hang out.  I won't go into details.  It was one of the greatest nights of my life.  I really can't remember being happier.  It was just us, drinking, laughing, and kissing passionately.  It was as if everything had boiled up to this moment, and when we were finally together it all just boiled over.  I used the word boiled twice. YUCK.  But I really don't know any other way to explain it.  We exploded all over each other...couldn't keep our hands off of one another.

Oh yeah, so I am so off track.  We never hooked up again after that night.  I want to desperately.  For one, we were both somewhat drunk.  I'd like a chance to be with him, sober, so I   can experience every bit of him.  The other issue is my weight.  

For anyone that hasn't guessed by now, YES I AM FAT. Honestly, Eric is probably about half my weight.  That's a big problem for me.  I know I want him again, and I know, at least some part of him wants me (he told me he thinks about having sex with me when he jerks off).  I've just been too self conscious to make a move.  

So what I have been trying to spit out is that in my sadness today, I read this article about Fat Girl sex.  It's really very interesting:

What everyone wants to know but is afraid to ask.


One thing I have experienced with men is that I am always trying to hide the fact that I am fat.  Sorry to break it to...er myself, but they KNOW you are fat!  So what is my problem?  The men I have been with knew that I was fat, and they still wanted to be with me.  Not only that, they wanted it again...and AGAIN.  So what the hell is my issue?  

Well, all I really wanted to do was share that article, but I went off on a tangent.  A long strange rant about nothing really.

Okay, it is Friday night and this fatty has no plans and no invites.  Surely I will be crying again...soon.

Meh.

The Militant Baker: THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS...SO I WILL

The Militant Baker: THINGS NO ONE WILL TELL FAT GIRLS...SO I WILL:  (All images by the incredible Liora K ) Things that I wish I knew earlier  Things that I've learned in real life.  Thing...


This articles makes me want to go and have an actual life.

Totally forgot I started this blog...5 years ago!

I just reread my last blog.  I guess I was wrong about the whole "keeping up with my blog this time" thing.  

I guess the saddest part is that nothing has changed in my life.  OK, not true.  Nothing has changed, FOR THE BETTER.  

Currently my life is shit.  Nothing is good.  I hate everyday, despite my sunshiney disposition.  I have been on the verge of tears for hours.  Finally cried when I read an old post from the Militant Baker's page.  I pretty much started a blog to follow her.  Turned out, I was already signed up.

Like I typed up somewhere, I am not really sure I have anything of value to say.  

It's sad.  I used to be idealistic and think I was clever, funny, and creative.  Now I know, I am just a boring 28 year old with nothing to say.  I haven't done anything or been anywhere or experienced anything.  I might as well not even exist.  But I do, so, oh well.

I guess I am going to go back and read more of the MB's blog and wish for a more interesting life.  But first I need to pop a few pain pills for my fucking horrible junked uterus.  Maybe one day I'll write about it.  I doubt it though.


I wonder how long it will be until my next blog...Hopefully not another 5 years.

MY BLOG'S THEME...

So in all seriousness, I've never been good at keeping a blog. I usually start and either forget about it or just give up because, well, I give up a lot. I think this blog will be different for a couple of reasons.

1. Now that I have my laptop, I can blog at any hour and never have to get out of bed. (This laptop really helps when insomnia hits!)
2. I think this blog is going to be much more light-hearted. None of that, "my life sucks and ____ doesn't like me!" or "I wish I would die because nothing goes myway..." No, none of that. if anything, I think this blog is going to be funny (well to me, and most like Ebs) and pretty darned random. I'll save it for my rants and theories on life.
3. I want to spark my creativity, so I think this will help a lot.
4. My life is reeeaaaallly dull now, so I need something to do.


Um, yeah I guess that's it. I'm sorry for those of you that waste your time reading this. Your eyes must be bleeding from the excitement.

Blog Virginity

OOOOOH! My very first blog! What do I have to say?

This is my life:
Tonight I spent 4 hours talking about sodomy and sasuke with Ebony. I saved the conversation and showed Taylor. It's highly inappropriate and obviously extremely funny.

Okay, insomnia rears its ugly head, but I'm going to try to sleep.

Happy Blogging!
Jess the Bess-t